Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Don't Fear the Tears

We took a family trip to JC Penny one day. Max had the kids in a cart while I went off shopping by myself. When I caught back up with them our 3 year old was sitting in the front of the shopping cart, his lime green shoes dangling, holding a box. As I got closer I saw that it was some sort of toy. I asked Max why he had it and Max said because he wanted it and would cry if he took it away. I said, "but he didn't bring his money and he didn't have enough to buy it anyways." Max looked at me and warned, "He will scream if you but it back." That's when it hit me. My light bulb moment! Parents live in fear of their children crying. They will do anything to avoid it. They live day to day, moment by moment fearing the tears. I don't. My goal as a parent is to have children who grow into  God fearing, grateful, generous, contributing members of society. I delicately took the box out of Rhett's hand and put it back on shelf. Shock came over his and his father's faces. And then the outburst. He screamed and cried and I hugged and cuddle. I lifted him out of the shopping cart and held him close he grieved violently over the lose of the toy his father said he could keep simply because he wanted it, not earned it, simply because it was a pacifier. Max told me that I would have take him around the store with me and I did. I'm sure people stared, but I didn't notice. I didn't care. I am oblivious to outsiders when helping my child. Max didn't want a screaming, crying child to embarrass him. He also wanted to be the nice parent who bought his son a treat. I get it. I understand both reasons. And Max isn't alone. It is totally normal to not want to be embarrassed by your child in public. He is like most good parents in a moment of weakness. It is easier to pacify a child and keep them silent than to say NO and be embarrassed by a tantrum. The difference is I keep my eye on the prize. What is best for my child to learn the value of money, respect, appreciation, patience... saying Yes or saying No. It is ok with me if they cry and draw attention. I doubt my kids are the first to do so and won't be the last. Sometimes I have to psych myself up to say No. Often the kids will ask me something and I know that my answer will cause crying, but it's the best thing for them. They have gotten used to long pauses before I answer. I'm usual thinking to myself, "don't fear the tears. It's just crying. They will get over it soon. My goal for my kids is...." Then take a deep breath, answer, and wait for it. But I have lately been pleasantly surprised when my 5 year old daughter responds with something like, "That's ok. Maybe next time. I can wait. At least I got to...." It was very surprising, but so relieving.

Rhett bought himself an Iron Man "shaving cream" kit.
It's foaming soap with a plastic "razor" but he loves it . :)
So to finish the JC Penny story. A week later Rhett was helping clean up the living room and said, "I want to do all my chores so I can get more money to buy that shaving cream thing."He remembered! He remembered what we had talked about 7 days ago! He remembered that if he wanted something he had to earn it. He did earn enough money to buy his toy so we went back up to JC Penny, picked it out, and he paid for with his little bag of money. So glad we didn't robe him of the pride one feels when they truly earned something and paid for it themselves. The see the glow on his face as he paid for his one toy was priceless. So proud of him. Not fearing the tears paid off and lesson was learned by all.

2 comments:

  1. It does pay off! When we were at the StL zoo in July, there was a carousel and Gianna wanted to go on it. I told her if it was free we could go on it but that if it cost money we couldn't because we were trying to save money. We went to the front of the line to see, and it of course cost $3! per kid! (for a carousel ride??? come on!!!). When I broke the news to her I could see the dissappointment in her face but then she moved on and said, ok, lets go see the penguins instead. Elia however, shed a few tears. We will just have to keep working on it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for sharing. And that is a ridiculous amount of money for a little carousel ride. They are obviously counting on parents to fear the tears and pay up. :)

    ReplyDelete