Character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence or lack of virtues such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.
Persistence, self-control, curiosity, conscientiousness, grit and self-confidence, are more crucial than sheer brainpower to achieving success.
To quote Dr. Kevin Leman from It's Your Kid Not a Gerbil: Creating a Happier & Less-Stressed Home,"You have to grade the grades." "Which means you need to put grades into perspective. Look at your kid's abilities, her level of dedication, her work ethic, her life in general, and then grade the importance of her grades on that basis.
"I'd rather have a daughter who gets a B on a civics test, yet still sends thoughtful letters to her grandmother, than an obsessed student who gets an A+ in civics class but never talks to her grandparents because she thinks they are boring and they smell funny."
Ask yourself these questions about your child:
"I'd rather have a daughter who gets a B on a civics test, yet still sends thoughtful letters to her grandmother, than an obsessed student who gets an A+ in civics class but never talks to her grandparents because she thinks they are boring and they smell funny."
Ask yourself these questions about your child:
- Does my kid obey me?
- Is my kid a good brother or sister?
- Is my kid kind, caring, and empathic?
- Is my kid honest?
- Does my kid show gratitude?
- Is my kid respectful?
If you can answer yes to these questions then you are blessed to have a child like that!
Sadly we ask instead:
What will our neighbors think?
What will we say about our kids at dinner parties?
Straight A’s does not make a person succeed, nor does it say one thing about your parenting.You know what does speak volumes about your parenting? Ask yourself the following questions:
Does your child have a compassionate soul?
Does your child have a healthy dose of intellectual curiosity?
Is your child resourceful and independent?
Is your child happy with who she is?
Can your child creatively problem-solve?
Is your child passionate about anything?
We must remember that our children come from us but are not a reflection of us.
Dr. Leman emphasizes that "Today's kids, driven to succeed from the day they dropped their diapers, need adults to step up to the plate and start stressing character and honesty over achievement with deception." Kids are willing to lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead and make an A rather than let their parents down because they don't have time to properly study due to all the activities they are in. Dr. Suniya Luther found that affluent teenagers are, "truly a miserable group of kids where she sees higher rates of depression, anxiety, binge drinking, and cheating...which she attributes to two causes: pressure to achieve and a lack of meaningful contact with adults." If thats not a cry for a family to focus on spending time with their kids, I don't know what is. "Many kids rebel because they feel that all their parents care about is having kids who turn out according to their expectations. 'All my parents want is to boast about the things I do in front of their peers. So every week I have to accomplish something big or new to make them feel good about themselves. I'm sick of all of it.'"
Top 8 character builders:
For example: Eating fast food is immediate gratification, taking the time to make a meal at home is delayed gratification. Using a credit card to buy something you cannot afford is immediate gratification, Saving up cash to buy something later is delayed gratification. Premarital sex is immediate gratification, saving sex for marriage is delayed gratification. You get the idea.
Here is the Marshmallow study done on children in the 60's. It really drives home the life long benefits for someone who can learn to delay gratification. I urge you to teach this to your children now. Model it for them yourself and practice it daily. http://health.heraldtribune.
2)Expect gratitude. Go beyond teaching your child to say please and thank you. Also teach them eye contact, a proper hand shake, affection and appreciation for the kind and generous things that are said and given to them. Instead of "What do you say?" Ask, "Did you show gratitude? or do they know your grateful?" Write thank you cards. Yes, handwritten on paper with a pen! Kids these days generally have shorter attention spans, are easily distracted and aren't taught to take careful time and attention to express their appreciation. This simple yet important act can go a long way as a skill to teach expression of feelings and thoughtfulness. You can find lots of thank you notes for beginning writers at learning.com
3) Practice altruism yourself. Donate clothes and toys to those in need (not just to your neighbors when it's easy and they have younger children!) and have your kids be a part of that process. Do this regularly as a family and sort through, package and deliver the goods together so the kids really see where their things are going. Do this often. Less is more. It’s just stuff. Stuff doesn’t equal success. Our pastor recently taught us about this very thing in The Great Closet Clean Out.
4) Be mindful of the company you keep. Be sure family or friends you are spending significant time with have similar values to yours, otherwise you are going to feel defeated after a while. I just want to remind you that Parent Peer Pressure is real and ugly. Stand strong and stay true to your beliefs when all the other parents are doing something different. If all the other parents jumped off a bridge would you? :) Your circle of parent friends may all be buying their kids an American Girl Doll and a Zoomer Dinosaur for Christmas and your kid will be the one that doesn't have one. THAT'S OK! Your circle of close nit parent friends may all be signing their kid up for the same soccer team, or dance class, but you have made the decision to allow your children to only be in 1 sport at a time so as to allow more family time. Everyone else is doing it and you know you will miss out on good conversations with your friends during practice and games, but it just isn't the right thing for your family. You have chosen to make your home more like a home and less like a hotel and THAT'S OK! You will feel like the odd man out, like the black sheep of your friend family. Parents will think you are judging them, but you will actually feel judged by them. It's ok, building character in your children calls for some tough decisions and sacrifice.
5) Don't catch every fall. Character is created by encountering and overcoming failure. Practice natural consequences from an early age — share some of your own experiences and teach them lessons such as "life is not fair." In addition, don't over-protect them from disappointments. You have to really understand and believe that failing and falling is a part of successful childhood development.
For example: In Kindergarten my daughter left her lunch in the car 1 time, I did not drive up there and give it to her. She had to buy a hot lunch. In 1st grade she left her book at home 1 time, I did not bring it school. She had to sit out 5 minutes at recess.
In 2nd grade she left her folder at home. She realized as I walked her to her room and she began to unpack her back pack. She looked at me with tears welling up in her eyes as I was waving goodbye about to leave. She walked to me and buried her face in my chest. Her face was red and tears were streaming down her cheeks as she tried speak through quick, short breaths. She said, "I left my folder on the table." I replied, "Oh baby, I''m so sorry. You will only have to sit out 5 minutes during recess." "Mommy, will you please go get it." "No babe, it's ok, we all make mistakes and forget things sometimes. Nobody is perfect. You know I forget things all the time." I have her huge hug and she calmed down and walked back to seat. That was sad. My heart ached with empathy for her. I wanted to rescue her, but knew she would never forget her folder again if I didn't just like she never forgot her lunch box or book again.
6) Resist the urge to buy multiples of things. Just because you can doesn't mean that you should! Don't buy 4 American Girl Dolls—buy just one and have your child love and appreciate what they have.
Age Appropriate Chores43 Chores Young Children Can DoThere are so many ways to do Chore Charts. Just search Pinterest and you'll something that works for you. :)
8) Identity: Kids need to know who they are, how they fit into this world. As they grow up, kids will be searching for their identity, whether they know it or not. If they do not have a positive sense of who they are, kids will try to find labels that make them feel like they are fitting in. (Enter peer pressure.) We teach our kids that their true identity is found in the God who made them. God created them with a purpose, and He loves them unconditionally. Other things will define your children–the activities they do, the subjects they are good at, the friends that they spend time with. But basing their identity on anything that shifts or changes is dangerous; Not making the sports team, or having a friend let you down can destroy the very ground that your identity is being built on. Flunking a test, or getting acne can make a kid feel completely lost if they have built their sense of self on these things. Also, tell them about their grandparents and their great, great grandparents. Children who are rooted in family history tend to have a better sense of self and perform better in school. Basing their identity on anything that shifts or changes is dangerous.
If you have a spoiled child—one who relentlessly nags, cries and throws a huge fit when they do not get what they want, but makes straight A’s do you still feel you have placed emphasis on the right thing?
And here is the link to a great article about the young hockey player who demonstrated such great sportsmanship and character that the opposing team's coach wrote his parents a letter complimenting them on what a great son they had raised. Be those kind of parents!
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