3rd Grade Drama

February 2016. I never thought I'ld deal with this in 3rd grade. I want to write all this down so I don't forget it. I'm going write it as if I'm talking to my college roommate, Courtney, in Houston. I miss her and never get to see her and rarely get to even talk on the phone. So here is what happened. Over Christmas break a mom from K's class asked if K could go to the movies with her and her son. I don't really know them and thought about it and talked to Max and we decided that K might view that as a date so I told the mom, "thank you for asking, but that would appear too much like a date and we aren't allowing Kellyn to 'date' at this time, but they could meet up at park or somewhere with a group of friends." Of course the mom said she didn't intend it to be a date and I knew that, but hen I picked K up from school that day she said, "Did R's mom ask if I could go on a date with him over the break?" Ha! I knew she would think it was a date! And he obviously thought so too. I did invited them to join us for snow cones at Bahama Bucks after school on Friday which they did. Her brothers sat with K while the little boy sat across from them and his sister and the baby and his mom and I sat at the table next to them.  It was not a date. However, after Christmas break they told everyone they went on a date and K has been asking when she can go on another date with him.

Ok so that was drama #1. Now for drama #2. A friend in K's class showed her the American Girl book, Is This Normal, which I personally think is a great book and have ready to give her when the time is right. However, her friend beat me too it. And after reading it and discussing it with her friends and secretly searching about puberty on the internet she has convinced herself that she is about to start her period any day now. She is 9! She says that because her feet stink and she needs deodorant those are all signs that she is about to start. Not to mention that her friends are telling her she is about to start! Thanks "friends!" It doesn't help that 2 of her friends carry pads in their back pack for in case they start their period in 3rd grade and told another friend that she was too immature to listen to their conversation about puberty one day on the playground. When we tell her she is not about to start she gets mad and says we treat her like a baby. Then she says that her getting mad is from hormones. I'm so glad she is so comfortable talking about this subject with me, but I didn't think it was time yet. We did try to follow Mary Flo's advice when she was a toddler to use real words for body parts and to not be embarrassed or ashamed of any body changes. Well, Mary Flo, it worked and now she is almost too comfortable talking about it all. I won't even use some of the words my 9 year old is using. All appropriate, but certainly not for mixed company.

Then back to drama #1, we found a note in her lunch box she wrote to R that started with, "I love you and I'm glad you feel the same way." Oh hell to the no! We are not playing that. You only love Jesus and your family in 3rd grade, thank you. I was not boy crazy when I was in 3rd grade. I was not in to boys until 7th grade. Until then I was a tomboy who just wanted to ride my horse.

So I decided to walk K to her room one morning with both babies in tow and have a quick talk with her teacher about the puberty period talk and calling friends immature. She told me K wasn't the one leaving anyone out on the playground, but was in fact kind to the little girl that was left out and tried to include her. Then I followed up with an email:

"I'm so sorry to keep bothering you with this, but I feel that the teacher co-parents with the parents so I need to keep you in the loop and express my concerns. She doesn't want me to tell you everything and embarrass her, but we found a note in K's lunch box that she wrote to R. It said, "I love you and I am so glad you feel the same way too." I know all of this is innocent, but it is our job to guard their little hearts and shut this down now. However, I am slowly becoming more and more aware that I parent differently than some which is causing a little problem. R's mom thinks it's cute and is encouraging it and so is S's mom. K asked why I can't be like S's mom and like it that we have crushes on boys. If my child is passing notes in class please give her a consequence of not being ready and willing to learn and obeying the rules. If my child is leaving someone out on the playground please give her a consequence for being a mean girl and I will do the same at home. She already has 2 consequences for being disrespectful at home. I want to send her the message that you and I are on the same page about her needing to act her age which is 9 and not 13 and that it doesn't matter what the other girls are doing and saying. She is responsible for her own actions and reactions. 

Thank you so much for understanding. We weren't ready for this craziness so soon in 3rd grade. It is apparent now that peer approval is going to play a large role in Kellyn's life and we need to get it under control early on."  

Ok so drama #1 taken care of, but then drama #2 pops up again in the form a phone call from he NURSE! The nurse. I knew the second I heard her say, "Mrs. Dixon, this is the school nurse," what she was calling about. So I email the teacher again:

My Reply:

So their teacher took K and R aside to tell them to stop passing notes because it was causing hurt feelings and distractions in class. K was so made it me when I picked her up that day (I feel like it's a sign of good parenting when your child is mad at you. I'm not her friend. I'm her parent. They have plenty of friends, but need parents to watch them and guide them), but she quickly got over it and we had a wonderful weekend. It was like she needed to push the limit to see if we cared enough to interfere. And we did. :) However, the mom of the boy was not happy. She was mad at the teacher for making her son stop passing notes. She felt like the teacher was trying tell her son who he can and can't have a crush on. I also heard that she is up there a lot arguing for his grades to be changed. 
"Good morning, as you know I got a call from the nurse yesterday. She confirms my feelings that K struggles with anxiety and has chosen the topic of puberty to hyper focus on and stress about. In talking to K about about why she wants puberty to happen so badly she said through tears, "Because you treat me like a baby and all of my friends are allowed to watch the Hunger Games except me." :) We have attempted to refocus her onto another subject, getting a dog this summer. Sadly ours died this November and we would like to get another once school is out. We have enlisted her to do all the research for the best breed of dog for family. Plus she has 3 months to demonstrate maturity and responsibility to us before we entrust her to care for a living animal. She was off to a great start by making her bed and picking up room this morning without being asked! I also gave her a little roller ball of oils in her back pack to use when she feels anxious and stressed. I told her she would only be allowed to use it if it doesn't distract her in class. She agreed to discretely take it with her on restroom breaks. She just needs to roll it on her wrists and thats it. I told her she will get in trouble if she is using it all the time and/or becomes a distraction in class. 

I began suffering from anxiety myself in the 3rd grade. I didn't realize it was genetic thing. I used to wake up in cold sweats worried about things. Dr. Kevin Leman calls it the curse of perfectionism on the first born. :) Caring for my horse really helped me over the year. I'm going to call it animal assisted therapy for anxiety. :)

Thanks for your help and patients in all of this craziness."

Teacher Reply: "Oh my.....bless you my dear.  She told me yesterday that she spoke harshly to another friend because she was "hormonal".....Then she said her tummy and sides hurt so I ended up sending her to the nurse for fear something was really going on.  Really, I thought she needed someone else to talk to about all of this so maybe the nurse can help talk her through some of this."  

"Yes, the nurse was very helpful in reiterating everything I had told K already, but it's good coming from someone else like a medical professional. We took the puberty book away again, for good this time. She tends to hyper focus on things (sadly much like her mother) and loves researching. She has just chosen puberty to be her thing to hyper focus on at this time. So we are trying to shift that focus. As you know she has begun quoting from the book and believing everything is happening to her right now because she wants it too so badly so we won't treat her like a baby. I talked to her about other things she can be doing that will help me to not treat her like a baby. Being "hormonal" isn't one of them. Using hormones as an excuse to be mean to a friend is not kind or mature and is never ok.

Thanks so much for understanding and helping us with all this. I'm so glad she is comfortable talking to you. I kind of wish she was less comfortable talking about it. :)"

And now it's over. She is using her anti-anxiety oil at school and researches the perfect dog for our family constantly. We shall certainly revisit puberty in the very near future, but for now things have finally calmed down. I think Max and I have been so exhausted and distracted with the 2 babies that K needed to act out to get our attention. We had been relying on help from friends and family to take the big kids to birthday parties and practices and such, but now I realize we need to be more present and active in just their day to day stuff. This is the first year I had to miss going on her field trip and the first year I haven't walked them to class at least a few days a week (Max drives through the drop off line in the morning while I stay home with the 2 littles.) This is the first year I just haven't been able to be seen at the school. I miss it too because I love talking with the other moms, my friends, getting to know them. But alas, I'm trapped in baby jail all day. So regardless of how hard it is to get out with the double stroller to walk the kids to class I'm going to make a point to do at least every Friday. And we are going to stay at watch her at dance class and during parties and things. It's already getting better. For Valentine's Day I got her a book called, "Like Mother, Like Daughter, A discovery journal for the 2 of us." She loves it! I love it too. We take just a few minutes each night to write in 1 page. It's so fun and cute. And really makes the mother have to think way back. :)