The Truth Behind This Month's Parenting Newsletter

The 3 things you have to be able to do in order to be a good counselor is 1) Listen  2) Paraphrase  3) Share. I have always been good to a fault at #3. I have always shared too much personal stuff and today is no different. My hope is that I'm not the only and others while share too. So here goes.

As I said in the newsletter, I came across this article called, Parents Who Hate Parenting: The Latest Trend? by Lylah M. Alphonse, on facebook. The truth is that I came across it on my ex boyfriend's facebook page. Not just any ex boyfriend, my first boyfriend, my high school boyfriend. The relationship I had with him lead me to become a counselor. It also is partly responsible for my low self-esteem, but I wouldn't change anything because I learned alot from that relationship which in turn lead me to my wonderful husband and babies' daddy. This guy was a pivital point in my life. I was crushed to find out that after we broke up he had relations with the next girl he dated. Keep in mind that we went to a Christian school and were taught to wait until marriage which I did. Anyways, I digress, he posted it on his page with the message "See I have the right idea, no kids!!!" The thing is that I have him hidden so I don't ever see any of his status updates and posts ever. But I had recently heard that he posted something about parenting and being a parent coach I was curious what my ex had to say on the subject knowing that he is not married and doesn't have kids himself. So I went to his page and saw it. It bothered me so much that he would post something like that. I kept talking about it with my husband up until we went to sleep that night. How could our paths have ever crossed? How could I have been involved with someone for 2 years of my life that doesn't want kids? How could we have turned out so differently with such completely opposite views? I mean, I became a teacher, school counselor and parent coach and he not only doesn't want kids, but posts an article about how parents hate their kids. Now, in knowing his family history and being a counselor, I have my theories about why he would not want kids. I actually believe that deep down he does want kids and will in fact have kids one day, but I won't psychoanalyze him on my blog. My husband is sick of hearing about it. Anyways, I'm glad I came across this article regardless of how I found it and how it made me feel. It made he self-analyze my own struggle with perfectionism and competition as a mom.

Anyways, the title of the article bothered me so I read it which inspired me to write about the topic of perfectionism in parenting this month. In this article it says that,“When it comes to parenthood, the gulf between our fantasies and reality is huge. Like marriage, parenthood is often portrayed as being full of wonderment and joy.” Just look at these wonderful, extravagant baby showers we throw each other. It makes you feel like you are going to be the best mom because you registered for all the best things for your baby and everyone tells you how great being a mom is and how cute and sweet the baby will be. No one talks about the “Traumatic Two’s,” breastfeeding challenges, or brain-dead exhaustion at baby showers. Then after you survive the 1st year of your baby’s life you now are expected to throw the most perfect and beautiful themed 1st birthday party. You already feel like a failure as mom because you couldn’t breastfeed or your baby won’t sleep through the night or they aren’t fully potty trained by age 2. “Perfectionism is the number one issue keeping modern mothers from enjoying the moment." I can repeat this to you until I am blue in the face and it won’t make you change. I know because I am the same way. I often catch myself trying to keep to keep up with the Jones. It’s hard not to when you really want the best for your kids and you also want everyone to see how great you are at your new job as a mom. But guess what, you are not the perfect parent, your kids are not the best at everything, and your marriage is pretty average. I’m telling you this because when you try to make everything appear perfect you stress yourself out, your kids out and your spouse out all unintentionally of course, but still. You will become more tired quicker and start to resent your kids. "We are all so busy trying to be everything to everyone—and doing a stellar job while we’re at it—that we don’t have a spare second to plug into our own needs or desires” much less connect with our kids. It is ok to have a plain old birthday party in the backyard without matching cupcakes toppers, goody bags, and turning your house into a rain forest to match the theme of the party. The party planning industry is a booming business and for good reason, this is a mom’s time to shine, to show off all her hard work, how she didn’t miss one little detail....all for her precious child, right?…or was it for herself or maybe for her mom friends. These kid parties now a days are enough to push any mom to the breaking point. Just look at how detailed and extravagant kid's parties are. Although, I must confess that I looked through these pics to find ideas for my own kids' parties. I think I will just bring it down a notch so as to make it more about the kid than me.

Perfectionism can be both a gift and a curse. On one hand, a perfectionist’s high ambitions and expectations for themselves will lead them to excel in many areas throughout their life. On the other hand, they can become overwhelmingly distressed and discouraged when they miss the mark. If I had things my way my husband would come home to a sparkling clean house, a delicious gourmet dinner coming out of the oven right as he walked through the door, and a beautifully in-shape wife wearing a cute outfit and a bright smile. My kids would be dressed so adorably each and every day, they would eat the healthiest foods and I would be the mom that throws the funnest, most put together, well themed birthday parties. But here is reality now: my husband comes home to a house with dirty dishes in the sink and toys strewn all around the living room; dinner ends up being something quick and easy I greet him in my comfy workout clothes and a tired smile. My kids often wear mismatched clothes and are either dirty or naked by the end of the day; they eat Chic-fil-a and macaroni and cheese, and their birthday parties tend to be in the backyard with a sprinkler and kiddy pool. But we have fun and make memories!! It has been a struggle not to become discouraged by falling so short of my idea of a perfect wife and mother. But the Lord has led me to realize that there is no perfect parent. It is all in my head. It is Satan who is trying to get me to live up this “North Dallas life style” not Christ.

 

One of the moms that subscribes to my e-newsletter emailed me to say that she just read a book "Parenting is Your Highest Calling: and 8 Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt."  She said it spoke to the points made in my newsletter so let me know if you would like to subcribe to get my parenting e-newsletters once a month.