Rhett had a play date with Elan's big brother, Ethan, that morning then when they went home we went to pick Kellyn up from school at 1:00. The kids had rest time then watched a show on Netflix then the news came on as I turned Netflix off. I didn't find out about it until 2:30 that afternoon. I cried in front of the kids then realized I had to stop and turn it off. When they asked why I was crying I just told them a bad man did a very bad thing and makes me sad. We needed to do our Truth in the Tinsel craft before they left with my parent's that night to ride the Polar Express Train in Grapevine.
After they left I turned the news on and laid on the couch and cried, sobbed for about 4 hours. It felt like 9/11 all over again, but worse, more personal, and way too close to home. Innocent children. Loving parents. Devoted teachers. It was all too much. It was possible that it could happen in my neighborhood or my child's school. We didn't turn the t.v. on again until today, Tuesday.
My daughter started Kindergarten this year and it was bitter sweet. The moment you find out you are pregnant you begin to worry about losing this child. You just want to make it to 6 weeks, then 8 weeks, then 12 weeks. Then once you make it to 20 weeks and find out the gender you finally relax a little and trust they are safe and you won't lose them, but my friend got an infection at 22 weeks and gave birth too early. Her baby girl lived only 16 days. The children in Connecticut lived only 6 years. Having a child is like wearing your heart on the outside of your body at all times. It is so hard to be away from your baby in the nursery then excruciating to send them away 5 days a week off to Kindergarten. We all cry on the first day of Kindergarten. It's sad when your baby grows up, but it must be debilitating when your child doesn't get to grow up. When all the visions you had for them and their future and your future with them are just gone. How do you cope? How do you get up in the morning and take care of their grieving little brother or sister?
Little things that happen in my normal day make me cry and grieve for those parents. Like getting the box of our Christmas cards ready to mail out. What if those parents were just about to mail out their family Christmas card of their happy, whole family. And now their family is broken, incomplete forever. Or what if they had just mailed their Christmas cards the day before and friends and family received their card the day after the tragedy. Oh how my heart breaks.
On Saturday I just wanted to watch my 6 year old play. She drew a picture outside with sidewalk chalk. My Kindergartner is alive and doing what normal 6 year olds do. I've never been more grateful.
I like what our pastor said at church on Sunday in between his tears. He is an overly empathic man which I like. He reminded us that this was a senseless act. No one can make sense of it or explain it. He reminded us that we live in a fallen world which means we will suffer, grieve, have sorrow and pain until he takes us home. The day Adam and Eve took that bite in the garden The Fall happened. The first murder in history was when Cain murdered his brother Able. He told us of how murder is even in the Christmas story. King Herod ordered that all babies 2 years old and under in Bethlehem be murdered. It is estimated that about 1,000 people lived in Bethlehem at the time and about 20 babies were murdered in hopes of killing baby Jesus. We may live in a fallen world, but The Fall doesn't win! God sent his only son to claim victory over The Fall! Our pastor told us that God loves children. It is evident throughout the Bible how he treats children with love and respect. God is grieving deeply with our country.
God has placed this song in my head.
Thank you, Jesus that you have overwhelmed the grave. One day there be no more sorrow, no more pain. Dear Lord, please be with the families of the victims, of the teachers, the principal, the aide, the babies. Some how send them your peace that passes all understanding.
We received an email from the principal at Lakeland Christian Academy. One of the things she said in it made me cry with gratitude.
"This is a very scary time for some students. Our teachers will not be discussing the details of current events, but have lead concerned students in prayer for grieving families. As we teach everyday in Christian school, we will comfort children with the knowledge that God is with us and able to help us." I cannot tell you how grateful I am that my child is allowed and encouraged to pray at school and that her teachers can comfort her in prayer. It is worth every penny and we will continue to find ways to pay for the privilege of prayer.
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