I Got My Mommy Groove Back!

I have been in a serious funk since December. I didn't think it at the time, but now I think I may have been depressed. I was always exhausted and in my robe with the t.v. on for the kids by 4:00. This is not me. We typically watch about 30 minutes to an hour of t.v. a day and we are usually playing outside at 4:00. But lately I've been so worn out and bummed out. I've had no motivation to do anything. I didn't want to cook dinner. I began to see my life as the boring, same old routine of make the beds, make the lunches, fold the laundry, do the dishes, pick up the toys... repeat. It feels like the Groundhog Day. I quit taking the dog for a walk and the kids to the park. I didn't realize I was doing all this until today when I had a lovely talk with my friend, Cecilie, and it just all spilled out of my mouth. I realized just how exhausting it is to put on a happy face and pretend that I love my life. I  post happy children doing fun things with their awesome mom on facebook, Instragram and my blog all a cover for how much of a failure as a mother I really feel. And I don't know why. I've got 2 great kids, a girl and boy, a wonderful husband who is following his dream of being self-employed, and cute little dog. I've got it all, right. So then I feel guilty for being sad and bored.

I quit parent coaching and giving presentations because I no longer felt like I was able to help parents. No one wants to refer a friend or a co-worker to a parent coach. Plus parents just want a quick fix in 1 session and then not do the work I give them. But they all seem to love my monthly news letters. Parents really just want to read something short and sweet that applies to them and not have to air their dirty laundry and talk about their feelings so I'm going to try to write an e-book. But I have such a huge fear of failure that I haven't even started.

Add all this to the fact that our Life Group dissolved after 8 years this summer and so did my Bible study after 3 years. Except now the Bible study girls are still getting together once a month, but it's on a day that I babysit Elan so I can't go. So for the first time since we've been married I'm without a small group of church friends and prayer group, without a Bible study, and without a way to make me feel like I am still contributing to society through helping children and/or parents. I have felt so alone and so disconnected lately all while trying to put on a happy face so no one will ask questions causing me to burst into tears.

I feel like the black sheep in my family as the only one who wears her emotions on her sleeve, the one who shares way too much and gets way to emotional and personal. No one in my family is like me, but my grandmother, but her emotions are more like anger and the-poor-me's. In addition to that I desperately want my in-laws to like me, to think I'm a good mother, to think I'm a good wife to their son. I take it so personally when people don't like me. I'm so insecure in that way and I hate it. I want to fit in with both my family and my husbands family, but don't. I fit in with Max. Which is good I guess. We've really had to cling to each other and grieve together these past few months. He's had to deal with some major emotional roller coasters from me and he is not good with emotions, sharing or consoling someone sharing theirs, but he has tried and that's all I can ask for. He's so kind and sensitive and such a great husband, father, and provider. What a blessing he is in my messed up life.

I feel like Satan has gotten into my head and told me I'm not a good mother, I can't help other parents, I share too much, I shouldn't be sharing all this now, you don't have any friends, you are all alone, your house isn't big enough, you clothes aren't nice enough, you aren't skinny enough.... Its been horrible and I feel like God wants me to break my silence whereas Satan wants me to suffer alone silently. All that to say that I'm better now. I really truly feel better today. For the first time in months I feel like I'm out of my funk and got my mommy groove back. It happened at the park. A place I haven't been in a long time which is so strange because I used to put Rhett on my back, pull Kellyn in the wagon and walk Lily with the other hand nearly every day. Now that they are older and can walk and ride their bike it's much easier to go to the park, but just the thought of it beat me down. I just wasn't in a good place. I think I didn't want to be the lonely mom at the park. But today I went. I called my friend Cecilie and told her we were going to the park after school and she said yes. Since Kellyn is in half day Kindergarten we got there at 2:00 before the after school crowd.

I cannot tell you how great it was to talk to another mom who completely understood and empathized with what all I was going through. And while I'm not being fully transparent here and letting you in on the details of the last few months I'm sure you can relate to my feelings in general. It was so cathartic to just sit at the park and spill it all out to her in person, not over the phone and not on facebook or email, in person, while we watched the kids play. I didn't feel alone or disconnected for the first time in a long time. I finally felt like I had a friend who I could talk to and who understood me, who I felt connected to. I had taken this for granted with my Bible study girls and my Life Group in the past, but now that all of them were gone I realize how important it is to connect with other moms. How important it is to have a prayer group, a support group of women surround you in your time of need. I don't have that right now for the first time in years at a time I desperately need it the most.

We were at the park from 2:00 to 5:30! I didn't even realize it. It went by so fast. To go from not having been to the park in ages and not even wanting to go to spending 3 1/2 hours there was like an awakening or a cleansing of sort. As I pulled Rhett in the wagon on the way home and watched Kellyn riding her scooter in front of us I felt rejuvenated in my mommyhood. I felt like I could do this and I'm not alone. I never was alone. God has been there all along just waiting for me to stop asking Him why and just ask Him for help.